I’m no artist, but I have always loved colors. Sometimes words aren’t enough (I have spend too many of my seconds flipping through thesauruses searching for the right words, always coming up empty-handed), but colors are infinite. Not the kind that come in a 64-pack of crayons. Not even all the paint in all the art stores in the world.
Words fail me, but the deep blue of the middle of the ocean is different from the navy sky of a summer thunderstorm. The red crimson of blood is almost (almost, but not quite) the vermilion of the rose whose thorns caused the blood to flow. Neither is quite the same as the tentative red of the lips that kissed it better.
My skin is not the same brown as coffee (no matter how much of it I drink). Eyes were never hazel (that’s far too cliched) – they have always been melted sunlight (even that isn’t quite right; words have failed me once again).
I heard once that we have no way of knowing if the blue you see is the same blue I see. Maybe that’s why people keep saying “forever” but mean such different things. Forever is an absolute, you see. Kind of like how white is an absolute combination of all colors of light (I learned that in physics class, so long ago now). That didn’t make sense to me back then; the white of eggshells and teeth and paper and old people’s hair are all so different.
Even black isn’t always the same (you’d think it would be), not even just one kind of black isn’t always the same. The black skies of midnight are so bright in this city, a thousand lights outshining the stars. It’s black out, I say, but it isn’t really. Really, black is my heart. Really, it’s what’s inside of my chest now that it’s missing whatever used to fill that space.
Words are never enough.
Sometimes when I’m by myself I look up at all the trees (there aren’t as many trees to look at here). Trees are funny because their leaves aren’t all the same green. Like the tree couldn’t quite decide which green it felt like, so it chose all of them.
I’m the same way. I can never decide. I can never decide where I want to go, so I’ll just have to go everywhere. Or nowhere. I haven’t decided yet. Maybe I never will. For now, I am ROYGBIV. I am azure, cerulean, lavender, magenta, salmon, tangerine, dandelion, mint, mocha, sapphire, ruby. I am gray, gray, gray, gray, gray.