The Ramblings of a Maddened Soul

This night feels like a void I could never hope to fill. Alone, I never can hope to fill the silence echoing though this darkness.

 

Shattered glass glistens with a delicate beauty. Each flash of light passing so quickly; I begin to doubt if they happened at all in their evanescence. I reach out to touch, hands moving through the air like a knife through flesh and bone. As the edges start to touch my skin – still warm with my flowing blood – they threaten to rip my soul apart. Stop!

 

Be still, be silent.

 

This night is too silent to breathe.

 

I cannot breathe. My heart pounds against my chest. Lungs expand and contract – all they were ever meant to do. With each passing breath, I feel less and less alive. I am fine. Yet on this night, I feel anything and everything but.

 

I am so alone in my gentle suffering.

 

Do not leave me in this silence, this empty longing. Do not leave me.

 

Tonight, I am haunted by the ghosts of my own creation, these memories I have made for my own downfall. They come at the darkest times, bringing doubt and pain and sorrow I thought I had already forgotten.

 

The monsters do not hide in the closet. Tonight, they live in my mind.

Stars

i. 

The night is dark and dead

and I stare into the darkness

thinking I must be

seeing my soul

reflected back at me.

ii.

This darkness must be

the same so many have seen

in this sky and in themselves.

This darkness

of drunks and dreamers,

of poets and pastors,

of maids and matrons,

of heroics and havoc.

iii.

Time will be enough

to gaze up at

this starless void,

and this night is

enough for me

to break my own heart.

iv.

This darkest of nights

grows brighter and brighter

the longer I watch.

And perhaps this void

is not so starless

as I had thought.

The Night Falls Once More

My world often feels like falling

I am hanging on for dear life

And even the sun seems mocking

As does the dawn when it arrives

 

Regret, you’ve come again, old friend

I’ve known you well in this darkness

The words I lied and those I’ve meant

All have left me in this last breath

 

It seems like not even the light

Could ever come to save me now

Much I have lost, much I have cried

Tales of my dreams gone long ago

In the dark.

As the night falls into a broken semblance of darkness, I can heart my own heart pounding up against my chest. The warmth of your skin almost touching mine feels inviting, as though irresistibly welcoming me into what could possibly be an embrace.

 

Your breathing is steady; it keeps me anchored to the here and now, rather than the what-could-possibly-be. I hear the low tones of your voice saying nothing at all. Right here, in this moment, there is nowhere else in the entire world I’d rather be.

 

The darkness is complete, save for the glinting of your eyes. They feel beautiful now – they always are. It was as though I needed to see just how much they lit up a room before I could remember just how much you mean to me. It is dark, but I can see you looking straight at me.

 

I think my heart skips a beat.

 

A thousand different thoughts cross my mind in that one little moment.

 

I wonder, for a second, what might be on your mind. If, I allow myself to hope the slightest bit, your mind might be occupied by me – that you might be thinking of me just as much as I think of you.

 

My thoughts dart to and fro. I allow myself the privilege of wandering – of wandering and of wondering – that I never do bestow in the light.

 

I think of heartbeats. I think of breaths taken and breaths taken away. I think of the sun and the moon and the stars. I think of the finality of yesterday and the uncertainty of tomorrow. I think of your hand beside mine, close enough to feel the warmth, but not quite touching. I think of me. I think of you. I think of the dreaded word left unsaid: love.

 

How important sight is, I think. This world lives for image, for color, for light. The fullness of seeing, the fullness of being. How terrible it would be to be blind, I think.

 

But in this darkness, I see nothing at all. I cannot see, I cannot see. And yet I can feel your smile somehow. Though the world is already dark, I close my eyes at last.

 

Perhaps, I think, you see me more in this shattered darkness than you ever could have in the light.

Light Up.

Even the darkest night has a sunrise, and  turns bright with the sun. Every dimmed room can be illuminated with a flick of a switch, and there will always be flashlights to cast some brightness upon sinister corridors.

 

You might be living in a world of eternal Stygian sorrows. You might long for the last touch of sun, only to be greeted by a perennial thunderstorm overhead. You might ache within the deepest pits of your soul to be released from your shadowy shackles and break free of the prison of your life.

But no matter how dark things may seem or how hopeless we may feel, there is always a bright side to every situation. Things are never as bad as they seem.

When nothing seems to be going your way, or the universe seems to be against you, there is always something good. After all, shadows only happen when there is light.

If we think positively, and look on the bright side of life, then we can accomplish anything that we want to do. Instead of dwelling on the negative, if  we look at the bright side, then we can change our attitude for the better.

No matter how bad things may be, remember to look at the bright side, and maybe things won’t seem so bad after all.