Muscle

Being a dreamer is difficult even
when it seems as though it should
come as naturally as breathing.
Because opening this heart is difficult
when I forget how to forgive;
if you get what you give,
well, then I will stand here
palms upturned and empty.
A lot of things should come as
naturally as breathing, but don’t.

Even breathing.

My heart feels like it doesn’t want
to beat but it has to keep going because
my heart is an involuntary muscle
that means that even if I want to stop
I cannot, even if I want to stop, I do not
want to go, I do not ever want to go.
I want to stay forever, never leave
Neverland, Peter Pan staying young,
staying free in a kind of nostalgic dance.
And if I stay here, if I just stay and stop
will you stay with me or will you leave?

Maybe I don’t want to know the answer.
Leave me with some hope that I know
your reply will be exactly the words I
want to hear; the scenes in my mind
are more fantasy than reality, but they’re
more beautiful than real-life. Maybe that
makes them true, more three-dimensional.

Also math is really beautiful because
it just makes sense and there is always
an answer, even when real-life problems
only ever leave me with unsatisfactory
guesses. And you solve problems no one
else wants to and I think that maybe
it’s the noblest thing in the world. And fractals
and Fibonacci numbers and infinity and zero
sound more like a religion than a science
sometimes. But maybe it’s beautiful because
it’s both a science and a religion and
more beautiful than reality and yet perfectly
true, and somehow more than it is and
exactly as it always has been and
wow.

Maybe I’ve always dreamed that
one day everything will just make
sense, everything will just add up.
All of a sudden, this life will just
be right. Like a perfectly solved
equation, eternally true in the
shifting sands of life changing.

I have big dreams but little hands
and my palms cannot even stretch
to hold enough water to keep me alive.
How do I reach for the stars when
I cannot attain escape velocity and
the nearest stars are lightyears away
and even if I reach the sun all I will
do is burn up to a crisp? It just doesn’t
make any sense to carry on with living
when all the math says I am dead wrong
to keep on hoping for impossibilities.

Dreaming is flawed.

Dreaming is an error in an otherwise
perfect proof – it scares me and this
is why. But I can’t help but do it anyway
because a dream is a wish your heart
makes and my heart is an involuntary
muscle, and i never chose to keep dreaming
like how my heart is still beating after all
this time and my mind is still racing,
still looking for problems to solve,
when all I want it to do is just stop.

(maybe)

“the total amount of matter and energy in a closed system is constant.”

–the principle of conservation of matter-energy

that is to say, there is a finite amount of matter in the universe.

that is to say, these atoms of mine have been around since the beginning of time.

that is, god said, “let there be light” (maybe). that is, the big bang (maybe).

whatever it is you believe in, that means there was nothing

and then there was everything in just one moment,

and then expansion. that is to say, all of creation started moving

away from everything else and it hasn’t stopped since.

that is to say, one day galaxies will move apart

and (maybe) expansion will overcome the attraction of atoms

and then there will still be everything, just farther apart.

don’t worry. it will be a while yet.

we’ve got time. between the beginning and the end, well,

there is everything there ever was, is, will be—

an infinite (maybe) number of combinations of particles.

that is to say, you and i are made out of the same electrons and protons

that have been around since the beginning and

these bodies are just stops along the way to the end.

that is to say, out of all the infinite (maybe) possibilities,

the universe came up with you and i. that is to say, love,

we were a minor miracle.

you told me once you don’t believe in miracles. or the afterlife. or god.

but i do believe in reincarnation. i believe in quantum entanglement—

that is to say, two atoms can be somehow connected, no matter how far apart they are.

that is, (maybe) your atoms and mine are linked.

or (maybe) i’m just a stop on the way to your destination—

who knows?

i’ll never find out for sure.

just like how we’ll never really know how the universe will end.

but i do know that it’ll still be the same atoms floating around in space.

just a bit more disorderly. entropy, my dear—

that is to say, the universe tends towards brokenness.

that is to say, miracles don’t last forever.

that is to say, these atoms of mine will touch the ends of the universe

one day, even though i won’t be there to see it.

but for now, i can reach out and touch your hand.

and that will be enough (maybe).

Unfinished Proof

A/N: Again, I’ve been playing around with some odd things. Some of it works out, most of it doesn’t. I thought I’d let some of it see the light of day and see what happens.

Claim: The intersection of you and I only ever implies heartbreak.


We begin the proof with an assumption –

some unproven axioms the case rests on.

We begin with this: with boy meets girl,

same old story this has always been.


A series of implications next.

One meeting leads to another.

This implies Saturday nights on the dance floor.

This implies coffee breaks and walks in the park.

This implies early mornings before sunrise.

This implies a feeling in my stomach I cannot describe

Something not quite quantifiable

But certainly not imaginary.


From this we derive an inequality.

9x-7i>3(3x-7u)

9x-7i>9x-21u

-7i>-21u

-7i>-21

i<3u

Simple algebra.


The science of restoring what is missing

and equating like with like.

We were always so equally alike.

But something was always missing.


It must have been some fatal flaw gone unnoticed,

one stray line in an otherwise perfect proof,

an exploitation of the definitions we thought made sense,

a mistake neither of us caught.


Algebra comes from the Arabic al-jebr

“a reunion of broken parts”.

It makes so much sense now

why we never did seem to add up.


We were never a reunion of broken parts –

just two broken people desperately hoping

for another hand to clutch in the darkness,

for another smile to light up the nighttime.


The proof begins with an assumption.

It ends like this:

“I love you.”

“Goodbye.”

Contradiction.


Therefore, heartbreak.


Quod erat demonstrandum.

Sidereal /sigh-DIR-ee-el/ (adj.)

Too many people have told me

That we are so much stardust

But no, not all of us are stars

Some of us are just black holes

Gaping, empty, and broken

Rive /RIVE/ (v.)

Pains of the body will heal in time

Wounds close; muscles grow back

But pains of the heart are scar tissue

And what has been may never hide

Something will always be missing

Antediluvian /an-tee-di-LOO-vee-en/ (adj.)

Before the waters started rising

This body knew only gentle land

But you were the breath forgotten

The last hope in a drowning sea

Still, these lungs cannot breathe

Life in Reverse

A/N: This was taken from a prompt on yeahwrite.co.

x.

imagine, if you will,

taking your final breath.

your entire life flashes before your eyes –

backwards

every moment moving in reverse.

ix.

your lifeless body is lifted from six feet under,

as the mourner’s tears drip from the ground to their eyes.

the coroner exchanges this three-piece suit and pale skin

for blood stained tatters and dirt and dust.

viii.

the hospital machines beep as you are somehow given the spark of life.

however faint, with time your heart grows stronger.

they place two metal plates on your chest

to conduct the electricity pumping through your veins.

a yelled clear!

and frantic hands scramble to open wounds.

vii.

the scene of the crime.

you lie there, blood seeping from the ground into your chest.

you stand, almost in slow motion.

the people scream.

a small metal bullet is expelled from your chest

and miraculously, your gunman catches it, like threading so many needles.

vi.

a man, your enemy, yells, and you yell back.

years of resentment vanish in a single moment

and you become friends.

time passes.

you introduce yourself, a plea to fragile memory,

before you part ways.

you forget him.

you are forgotten.

v.

words flow from listener’s ears to your mouth,

rushed mouthing to keep up with the flow of sound.

.uoy evol i 

.on 

.yrros m’i

.em evigrof

.olleh

iv.

the love of your life will return to you,

the echoes of a door slamming will become reality.

your final fight will play out backwards,

ending with unknowing bliss, bitterness into love.

you will slide rings off fingers and say your vows,

after which she will back down the aisle

making a swift exit.

each one of your happy memories will disappear as you lvd them.

finally, as you walk unassumingly down the street where you will have met,

you will stop

and see her,

say hello.

then you will back away out of each others’ lives forever.

you will have never known her.

iii.

and you will read books,

turning from the last page to the cover.

your imagination will take shape and spill onto page,

your thoughts to ink, as thousands around the world think the exact same things.

and finally, each draft worse than the last,

the words are shoved right back up the writer’s pen,

into their hands,

into their dreams.

ii.

you will get younger and younger.

wrinkles will disappear

you will shrink inch by inch.

your hair will grow shorter

until you go to the barbershop to have new hair attached to your head.

you will go to class and sit there,

as a teacher stands in front of you,

all your knowledge offered up bit by bit.

eventually, you will have forgotten your ZYX’s

and return to diapers.

you will grow smaller and more fragile still

and one day you will be born in reverse.

your body will shrivel up into your mother’s and

you will be gone (or will not yet have been).

i.

if you’d care to imagine further the world without you in it, do.

humanity will de-evolve and technology will be forgotten.

we will develop hunched postures

and return to caves,

and lost fire.

one day we will return to the seas

and become the tiniest specks of life.

the earth will be molten,

then dissolve into clouds of dust,

and all the dust in the universe will gather together.

and all the light,

all of creation,

will be nothingness once more.